It’s Kaddas Cup Time!

TROPICALS vs EAGLES

Revenge is on the menu—alongside cold nachos and a suspiciously empty trophy cabinet—as last season’s champions, the Republik Tropicals, lace up against their longtime nemesis, the Abu Dhabi Eagles, this Monday, September 22 at 9:15 PM.

History remains spicy. The Eagles stunned the Tropicals in last year’s Grover Cup semifinals with a surprise Game 3 win, denying the Tropicals their heavily anticipated “double.” Yet, since the Kaddas Cup’s glamorous debut five years ago, the Eagles’ biggest impact has been on bar sales after their early exits. Fans now treat Kaddas Cup elimination as an annual tradition—some even book vacations early, just in case. 

The Tropicals have their own issues. While management remains the league’s highest-paid, recruiting actual hockey talent has taken a back seat to “vibes” and commemorative beer steins. In a historic shakeup, new captain and owner Brent Brough acquired the team from former Canadian bobsled legend Jeff Strong—world-renowned for single-handedly piloting a four-man sled and, allegedly, breaching more than just Olympic protocol. The deal? One set of used truck tires, a case of warm beer, and a notarized promise to stop treating Brent’s pool like a public convenience. Fans pray this reboot ends with a second consecutive Kaddas Cup, or at least with a few dry pool parties.

UAE71'S vs THE GODFATHERS

The Godfathers, menacing multi-time Grover Cup overlords and twice Kaddas Cup champions, enter the arena as the bookies’ favorites—likely because their captain, Guillaume Laberge, and all-powerful owner Ali Kaddas hold every trophy, every contract, and (rumor has it) the keys to the referee locker room. Kaddas, wearing his signature shades and referee-issue blazer at all times, assures us the officiating will remain “impeccably biased—I mean, balanced.”

UAE71’s still boast possibly the weirdest team name ever fielded, but captain Wild Bill Mellanby is certain this is the year. After last season’s slapstick setbacks and more drama than a soap opera marathon, Mellanby’s training camp took an unexpected turn: in a live-action re-enactment deep in the Empty Quarter, the forwards rode as camels while the defense played jockeys. Mellanby explained, “At last, my forwards know what it’s like when the defense has to carry them all night.” Morale is up, and, allegedly, so is camel awareness.

The drama unfolds on Tuesday, September 23 at 9:15 PM. 

The drama continues after the semifinals: on Wednesday, September 24 at 9:15 PM catch the Bronze Medal Game, were the winner receives eternal mediocrity, followed by the final for Kaddas Cup glory on Thursday, September 25 at 9:15 PM. Bring your cowbells, your optimism, and a good riot mindset.